Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
