I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
