I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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