Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
