Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
