Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
