I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
