I wanna bring you to show and tell
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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