I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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