I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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