I wish I could teleport
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
