I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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