Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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