3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
