God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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