you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize