so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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