high people should be assigned attendants
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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