remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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