And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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