are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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