Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
