I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
