Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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