btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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