My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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