I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize