I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
