And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
