yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
