so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
