Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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