I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
