he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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