Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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