oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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