If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
