I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
