Apparently you make a good broom.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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