As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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