I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
