Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
