Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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