i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Are my feet made of real feet?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
