Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
