Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
