Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
