No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
