i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
