I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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