Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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