Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
