Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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