if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
