The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The power of my boobs compel you
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
