Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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