the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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