1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Randomize
