I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
