And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
...so i touched it.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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