It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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