he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
pray to the hookup gods
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
