if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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