Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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